I’m Sorry, does my Black Bother You?

Have you ever watched a co-worker do or say something, and thought to yourself, “I would probably get fired if I did that?” Or been asked your opinion and when you give it in a professional, respectful manner been called negative or aggressive? Have you been accused of not being a team player? Now look in the mirror. I bet your skin has enough melanin to classify you as a person of color. I’ve found that all too often in the workplace our non co-workers of color (aka White folk) are very quick to inscribe these negative attributes on the backs of their colored counterparts. I was once told that an email I sent asking if I could purchase bagels for my early a.m. meeting was aggressive. Mind you, I didn’t use unnecessary capital letters or bold print. No exclamation marks or any other emoticon generally associated with being angry or aggressive. I simply asked a question and offered a few solutions only to be told a few weeks later that my email seemed angry. Seriously..I seemed angry about bagels. Sounds ridiculous right? Unfortunately I’ve heard of far too many similar experiences from my other Black and Brown working friends. We’ve been asked to share an opinion on ideas and later been told that our opinions are negative or that we are not team players because we choose to pass on beer and baseball outings. We’ve all watched our co-workers with Blonde hair and fair skin express similar opinions and be applauded for thinking outside of the box. Go figure. I’ve come to realize that my very presence in certain work environments can be quite intimidating. It doesn’t matter that I laugh often and make sure I exchange at least one pleasantry with everyone daily. According to them I’m Black, so I must be angry about something. Of course, my cocoa skin comes in handy when they need a token to show their diversity, but the minute I open my mouth, I’m the “Angry Black Girl.” I’ve found myself overcompensating to ensure I don’t intimidate people. I use phrases like “okey dokey,” and make sure I include stupid smiley faces on emails to make sure no one thinks I’m angry. When asked my opinion about something, if I don’t agree I simply don’t speak up. All of this extra work (for not nearly enough pay)is enough to actually drive a sista crazy! Am I the only one to experience incidental intimidation, solely based on skin color?

Leave My Womb Alone!!

It seems like every time I turn around my womb is being discussed in some form or another. Whether it’s the House voting to strip Planned Parenthood of Federal Funds or Michelle Bachmann calling Planned Parenthood a “criminal enterprise,” and threatening to outlaw abortion it seems like a woman’s right to choose has become great fodder for public debate. And then there’s the constant defending of my choice to not become a mother at this stage in my life. When did a woman’s right to choose become a public debate? We all know that Roe v. Wade affirmed a woman’s right to choose to abort a pregnancy, but now it seems like we have to defend our choice to not get pregnant in the first place. If I had a dollar for every time I had to explain to people why I don’t have kids yet, I could probably give Sallie Mae at least half of the cash I owe her. The truth of the matter is, I love kids and can’t wait to start my family, but it seems as though the increase of baby mamas and baby daddy’s has diminished the importance of having a nuclear family. Blame it on my mama, but I still believe in marriage before children. For years she not so subtly let me know that I better not bring home any children without bringing home a husband and for all the things that didn’t stick…that did. My decision to remain kid free before marriage isn’t a knock to the many wonderful single moms out there doing it. I was raised by a wonderful woman who played the roles of mommy, daddy, and sibling (yes I am an only child) and I know some extremely hardworking single women who are raising our future Queens and Kings. And while raising a child is probably the most gratifying job in the world, it’s also the hardest. I look back on my own childhood with amazement at how my mom managed to move us out of LA and into the suburbs, yet still battle LA traffic to make sure she was home in time for school recitals and award ceremonies. She made sure I had at least one fan at every basketball game and she wiped away my tears when someone or something disappointed me to the point of crying. She made all of it look so easy, but trust me, she let it be known that single parenthood was the hardest thing she had ever done. And that’s one of the many reasons I have yet to bear children. While I’m all for independence, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a partner to share that responsibility with. And call me crazy, but I want to have one last name in my household. I have a friend that was with her boyfriend for almost 10 years and had two children before she decided to marry him for that very reason. And then there’s the whole financial responsibility that comes along with children. Unless my dear Auntie Sallie Mae starts taking diapers and formula as payments, my current financial situation does not allow room for children. I was seven with a passport and want to provide a similar lifestyle for my children. Funny, but even my dear mom has jumped on the, “When are you going to have a baby?” bandwagon. I would share my real answer with her but I can’t be held to deadlines when it comes to my womb (soon mommy, I promise). Bottom line is, I can go on and on about my decision to not have kids right now, but I shouldn’t have to. Parenthood should be a joy, not something a woman should feel forced into by society.

Friends with Benefits

Spoiler alert: I’m pretty sure I know how the new Justin Timberlake Mila Kunis movie ends. I’m going to go on a limb and say that after years of being regular friends, and a few random, innocent hook ups, the two of them will realize that they’ve had feelings for each other all along and will utter those three magic words, “I love you,” and share a long, sloppy kiss as the credits roll. That sounds like the perfect way to begin a relationship…if you live on the silver screen and not in the real world. While Hollywood likes to romanticize the idea of having sex with no strings attached, in reality, it very rarely works out. Someone almost always winds up hurt, and it’s more than likely the woman in the relationship. I’ve seen it time and time again. Woman meets man. Woman and man share a physical attraction for each other. Man tells woman he’s not looking for a relationship, but he still wants to sleep with her. They become friends with benefits and everything is fine until A. The woman catches feelings or B. The man finds a woman with whom he has a vested interest and now the friends with benefits relationship has to come to an end. Now the woman friend is left to pick up the pieces and wonder why she never transitioned from being his “friend with benefits” to his girlfriend. Part of it, is because by entering into this Friends with Benefits type of relationship, you in essence, agreed to be The Wet Hole. You basically let him know that he can come and go (PUN TOTALLY INTENDED) as he pleases. He’s mentally moved you from prospective girlfriend to late night booty call. And from my experience, once a man categorizes you, it’s hard to switch lanes. Bottom line, there is absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying (safe) sex with no strings attached, if that’s really all you want but women, please be honest with yourselves.If you want more, let it be known up front because not everyone is going to end up as lucky as Mila Kunis.

Stop Being the Wet Hole

“A man can find pleasure in any wet hole.”

We’ve all heard it. A woman telling a man that he’ll never find any sex better than hers. Or a woman telling her girlfriends about her “good, good,” and how it has her man sprung. I’ve even ran across a crew that refers to themselves as the “Good Pu**y Crew.” Seriously ladies. Let me tell you like my dear friend told me, a man can find pleasure in any wet hole. This was my Facebook status a few weeks ago and someone asked me to elaborate, so here we go.

For a man, good sex is pretty easy to come by. If she gets wet and does more than just lay there, the average man will enjoy it to the point of ejaculation (was that technical enough for you?). Don’t get me wrong, there are certain moves that will surely blow his mind in the bed, (I’ve really been trying to perfect the Lynn Spin since the days of Girlfriends) but what takes sex from good to great is the work you put in before and after you get down with the get down. Thanks to my love of music and sports, as well as my time in the Air Force, I’ve made tons of male friends. I’ve been privy to conversations that were both disgusting and enlightening. My conclusion: men will lay down with a willing and able body but they’ll only start relationships with women who stimulate them mentally. Unfortunately too many women aren’t willing to put in the work it takes to capture and keep a man’s attention outside of the bedroom. How many women are willing to step outside of their own comfort zones and learn his mental triggers? Can your man cry in front you without feeling like his masculinity is being threatened? How many women are versed in more than just reality television and fashion and are able to talk politics and gender roles with their man? How many women can chill with him and his boys on Sunday and watch the game and know that Adrian Peterson’s fumble just cost the Vikings a trip to the NFC championship? And most importantly, how many women are comfortable enough in their “independence” to know that they don’t “need” a man, but damn it, they want one! And when they find that man worthy enough to settle down with, how many women are willing to come home after a hard day at work, throw on that apron and make a meal so good that he has to call his mama and let her know that his lady can throw down too? Not too many. But to have almost every woman tell it, their “good good,” is the best in the world. Now don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with knowing that you can satisfy a man in the bed, but I take comfort in knowing that I satisfy mine outside of the bedroom as well. So ladies, let’s move beyond our “wet holes,” and put in the work towards long lasting, healthy, happy relationships. And once we’ve put in that work, let’s perfect our own versions of that Lynn Spin!

Friends Don’t Let Friends Dress Like Nicki Minaj

Walking down the streets of the sunny Southside of Minneapolis I’ve seen some interesting looks. The one I’m seeing more often than not is what I’ve dubbed the “Nicki Minaj.” I know you’ve seen it: brightly colored, ripped leggings, extreme make up, loud accessories, all topped off by pink/purple/white hair. Now, I’m all for expressing yourself visually, but this has gone a tad too far! Nicki Minaj is an entertainer, and unless you’re also in the entertainment business, chances are you have no business walking down the street dressed like a futuristic streetwalker. Sadly, this has become quite common and not just amongst youth; I’ve seen many grown women rocking the “Nicki Minaj” faithfully! Where do you all work where this is accepted and how can I get a job there? Bottom line is this: friends don’t let friends dress like Nicki Minaj. I don’t care how hot it looks on stage or in the video, trust me, it doesn’t look that good on you!

Nicki Minaj:

Your friend:

See how it just doesn’t translate???

I am NOT my hair..Seriously

I’ve never been into “anthems” but as corny as it sounds, India Arie’s “I Am Not My Hair,” really rings true for me. I’ve probably had every hairstyle under the moon and while my exterior may change on a daily basis, my character always remains the same. The funny thing is, I’ve noticed that I’m definitely treated differently depending on my hairstyle. When I had bleached blonde with hair down past my shoulders I would get approached my men who sold drugs or committed other crimes and thought that, “going to kick it at their homies crib” was a great first date. They seemed astonished when I opened my mouth and, SURPRISE, this girl reads books, travels, and watches more than reality TV. When that same hair was dark brown I was only approached by men in the corporate world who thought I was a wild child for regretting not bungee jumping with my friends in South Africa (I chose to explore Paris alone which was great but I will bungee in South Africa one day). The Halle Berry short cut attracted a variety of men with a variety of approaches. My “favorite” was the older White men who wanted to act out their Monster’s Ball fantasies, **shuddering at the thought.**And then of course, there was the natural. Now most of the women I know don’t actually perm their hair so they can all attest to this one. When I rocked my afro, I would get nothing but, “Hey Queen!” or, “Beautiful Soul Sista,” blah, blah, blah. Most of these men had dreads or an afro, preferred not to eat meat and only wanted to listen to, “real hip hop.” They were astonished to realize that I love meat (fried chicken is a weekly staple in my house), I drink alcohol, and while I love Common and Mos Def, Lil Wayne’s Mrs. Officer was the ring tone on my phone for over a year!And when that same natural hair was flat ironed straight, those same men (and women)would give me the side eye as if I had grown a third arm or something. Gone were the friendly greetings and head nods. I was no longer a member of their exclusive group. Since then I’ve had short cuts, mo-hawks, weaves, and braids. Depending on the style I’ve been approached by professional athletes, musicians, accountants, and yes, even a professional BMX biker. What these men, and honestly women too, fail to realize is, hair is nothing more than accessory. It by no means reflects my inner character or the journey I am on. Because my hair is currently permed it doesn’t mean that I’m trying to be White or fit into any one segment of the population. It simply means that this hair is the accessory that fits at the moment. So let’s all sing it together, “I Am Not My Hair….”

Thank You!

The first line is always the hardest..Do I say hello, or some hipper version of the standard greeting? Do I assume you haven’t read my (probably incomplete) about me section and introduce myself? Or do I simply put my fingers to the keyboard and begin typing? I’m not quite sure so we’ll figure that out next time. For now, I want to simply want to say, “Thank You!” It’s easy to see a blog and think, “I love to write and I have a lot to say…I could do that..” but it’s actually quite scary to take that first step and just do it. It’s actually quite presumptuous to think that anyone would actually be interested in anything I have to say, but thanks to the encouragement of my many, many girlfriends (J-Dubb we’re not even the closest but wow, I hold your numerous encouraging words and blog requests near and dear to my heart), a wonderful partner, and a cosmic twin literally sent from somewhere above…I’m taking that first step…Welcome to the world as I see it…