The other night I was on another late night Songza session when Trey Songz “Can’t Be Friends” came on. I’ve heard the song millions of times but this was the first time I truly felt it because very recently I found myself in a very similar situation. 9 years ago if you would have asked me where I would be in 10 years I may not have told you where I would be–but I could have definitely told you who I would be with. We were young, reckless and having fun. He was a ladies man and I was free spirited flirt who really didn’t do relationships very well (but let’s be clear–no one really does in their young 20s). When our worlds collided it was amazing. Whether we were going out in a group or hanging out solo we always had fun together. And when we did what grown folks (or 20 somethings who think they’re grown) do–it was great. It wasn’t official so when he dropped the L bomb one day it caught me off guard. Although I was very much in love with him (or at least I thought I was at the time) I totally flubbed. Long story short things were never the same after that and a few months later when he called (we lived in two different states) to tell me he had began dating someone else I was crushed. I had suspected it for a while but nothing hurt more than hearing the words come out of his mouth. I had heard about this thing called heartbreak but I had never experienced it until that moment–and let me tell you–it hurts. Although I was silently sobbing and literally felt my heart breaking into pieces I managed to keep it together through the rest of the conversation and let him know that we would always be “friends..” I retreated to my bed, cried until the tears would no longer come and kept Destiny Fulfilled (tracks 3-11) on repeat for at least a month until one day it clicked. Bey and the ladies were singing “ain’t no feeling like being frreeeee” and I realized that I would be more than okay. As I gave it some real thought I began to realize that I was more in love with the idea of being with him than I actually was with him. In reality while we may have had fun together I had no interest in living the life he was preparing for. He was already a father, still in the military and preparing to enter the ministry while I was a full time college student who only worked to take vacations and start trouble in as many places as possible. I had gotten so caught up in being the one he chose (because there were tons of women chasing) that I ignored the fact that I didn’t want to live in his world and he would never live in mine. This realization didn’t mean I loved him any less–it just meant that I loved him differently than I had initially believed. This realization also made it much easier for me to be an active friend in his life–or so I thought. What I failed to realize was although I was perfectly fine being his friend he wasn’t quite ready to have me in his life regularly. We were very distant for years until recently when I came across an old picture of us and decided to send him a “hello friend” email. I knew he had gotten married and he informed me that he and his wife recently had a baby (I think he’s now a father of 5 while I’m still considering getting a puppy to practice for babies), life as a newlywed was great and he was an active Deacon in his church. Finally he let me know that he would be close to NY very soon and offered to fly me out to where he was going to be for the weekend. I can’t lie–I entertained it for about a minute before politely declining and I didn’t hear from him again for months. When I finally did hear from him it was an email basically telling me that we could never be friends. He said that having me in his life pulled at his heart, brought up too many “what ifs” and that I was carnal temptation (his exact words). And for the first time I realized that our “break up” was harder on him than I’d ever thought. I figured because he was dating someone else I was the only one hurting. I also (some what selfishly) figured that once I was okay we could be friends again. It never once crossed my mind how hurt he had been by the whole L word situation (the obvious changing point in our “relationship and something he brought up in the email). But as I read his words I could do nothing but respect him for speaking on it and respect his wishes–even if it meant closing the door on our friendship. So when Trey came on the other night and sang about wishing he never did it I felt it in a way different than any other time I’d heard the song. But I’m glad we did and at the end of the day I hope he is too.
A. Nicole Daily 